Besides my fear of sock monkey, clowns, and spiders, the things that I’m most afraid of would have to be failure and not finding someone.
I’m afraid to fail. Not an assignment, I’ll get over it. But in life itself. I’m not asking for perfect, just for life to work out. I hate putting myself out for something, throwing my hopes at something, then failing and having the taste of disappointment for the rest of my life. Take for instance drum major. I know I’ll regret it slightly, but I didn’t try out for drum major of my home town band. For years that’s what I wanted. What an achievement that would have been. But when the time came, I didn’t try out. There were five reasons why.
1-I had my bone graft at the same time so I was out for a while.
2-I didn’t like the other girls who would have made it.
3-I suck at keeping a beat (the point of the drum major is to keep the band on a tempo)
4-I was kind of afraid of going out for it (I kind of am a coward- I hate the spotlight)
5-I knew I wouldn’t have made it
Long story short, the people I really hate made it, but I ended up as section leader which I also wanted.
I’m also kind of afraid of not finding that someone in life. Let’s face it, I’m not exceptionally beautiful, and besides my eyes, I’m very plain. I’m also very independent and I suck at flirting. I don’t giggle or smirk, I can’t bat my eyes, and I don’t know how quite frankly to rely on someone else. I also suck at pretending to be helpless. If it turns into a competition, internally, I strive to win.
I’m also beginning to think I may have set some kind of impossible standard. I want a gentleman kind of guy who isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty and has ambitions in life. Someone to sweep me off my feet, yet at the same time be my rock. And it wouldn’t be terrible if they were slightly romantic. Just putting it out there. Meaning no one in my school. I’m not that worried, just the thought has crossed my mind.